Acceptance is theoretically an easy concept, and yet practically it’s one of the most complex psychological phenomena in our lives. Whatever happens, whatever is, you accept that it is happening, that it is. The vast majority of psychological literature and yoga philosophy points to acceptance as a cornerstone of a balanced, peaceful life. Yet we are generally mediocre at acceptance in day to day life. As we all know, at least subconsciously, acceptance is much easier said than done in most cases.
It’s easy to accept things that are pleasant and agreeable. I accept the chocolate bar I was snacking on a few minutes ago, how very spiritual of me. It’s harder to accept my daughter waking me up in the middle of the night hungry because she refused to eat her dinner. Acceptance requires much strength and practice, and is a worthwhile endeavor to live a life of happiness, gratitude, and ease. Acceptance rather than resistance allows us to flow with life as it is instead of remaining mired in discontent and misery.
Buddhist teacher Jon Kabat-Zinn nails it when he writes: “Acceptance doesn’t, by any stretch of the imagination, mean passive resignation. Quite the opposite. It takes a huge amount of fortitude and motivation to accept what is — especially when you don’t like it — and then work wisely and effectively as best you possibly can with the circumstances you find yourself in and with the resources at your disposal, both inner and outer, to mitigate, heal, redirect, and change what can be changed.”
I’ve heard some pushback to acceptance, mostly that we should not accept the horrible things that happen to us and others. To be clear, acceptance does not mean approving or condoning anything. It points rather to confirming that what our senses tell us is happening, is in fact, really happening. Acceptance is akin to looking at a map and acknowledging where we currently are. Only then can we accurately move away from harmful elements or towards what is beneficial for us. If we can’t or won’t accept our starting point on the map, we may be moving, yet those movements are untethered to the reality of our current position and thus relatively ineffective.
Coming back to the example of my daughter crying in the night, if I’m unwilling to accept that she’s crying, I cannot respond appropriately to the demands of the present situation. No amount of willful ignorance or denial of reality is going to make anything better. I must accept that she is crying in order to correctly diagnose and treat the issue. Acceptance and taking corrective actions are not diametrically opposed, rather they are the necessary sequential order of problem solving – diagnose and then treat.
The best practical tip I’ve ever gotten on acceptance was from a Buddhist monk I admire, Ajahn Sumedho. He says, in every situation, repeat to yourself, “right now, it’s like this”. This simple and powerful acknowledgment allows for the entire range of emotions, and encourages us to be honest with ourselves about our reactions. It even allows for our habit of wishing that things were different, while still affirming that conditions are not to our liking. For me this sounds like: “Right now, Willow crying is like this. Right now, frustration is like this. Right now, wishing I was still sleeping is like this.” There is an acknowledgment of the current conditions, my emotions, and of the resistance that’s present. Naming these parts of my experience helps me to get unstuck without denying anything or deluding myself. It’s another way to live the old truism that the only way out is through.
Next time a difficult situation arises, take a breath and remind yourself, right now it’s like this. From this place of acceptance, you may find that the situation is actually not that bad, and your resistance is causing more discomfort than anything else. In this case, just watch your emotions rise and fall in their own time. Resistance only gives more oxygen to the emotional fire, and acceptance allows for a cool appraisal and for those powerful emotions to subside more peacefully. Alternatively, in your situation you may need to take action to protect yourself or others. Acceptance gives a clear starting point from which to act, and only then we will be taking level-headed actions that are in our best interests.
